Runner’s High Can’t Come Soon Enough for Marathoner Erupting From Every Orifice
/
istockphoto.com
A local man is eagerly awaiting the familiar yet ineffable rush of endorphins commonly called the “runner’s high” as he spews fluids of varying viscosity from every orifice on his body, Dumb Runner has learned.
“Oh my God,” said Ralph Wiggum, 34, paused at mile 9 of the Shelbyville Marathon, his stomach contracting in spasms of pure fire. “Oh no.”
Moments later, sources said, Wiggum’s entire gastrointestinal tract convulsed, expelling its contents in twin geysers of digestive effluvia.
Why is this happening? Wiggum reportedly thought as he tried, in vain, to manage the volume, rate, and direction of his body’s gushing. Where’s my runner’s high? Come on, any time now.
Wiggum had started the race feeling fine, sources said, and the opening miles passed without incident. The trouble started around mile 6, when Wiggum felt the earliest rumblings in his gut. He saw a porta potty and sprinted there, making it just in time.
A visibly shaken runner who used the porta potty immediately afterward described the scene inside as “unholy” and “not of this world.” A race volunteer locked the unit shortly thereafter, taping an OUT OF ORDER sign on its door.
Wiggum made it about one more mile before the rumblings returned.
The cause of Wiggum’s illness was unclear. Sources speculated it could have been the yogurt Wiggum had consumed about an hour before the race. The yogurt’s “best by” date had passed, they said—”but only by a week or so.”
Others pointed to Wiggum’s meal the night before the race, at a local Mexican restaurant. Wiggum had ordered chicken tacos, a source said, but had gotten fish tacos instead.
“Except now? In hindsight? I think it actually was chicken,” the source said. “Chicken that had gone really, really bad.”
The same source told Dumb Runner that Wiggum is an “eternal optimist” who will undoubtedly forge ahead in the race, despite his G.I. issues, trusting that his runner’s high will kick in sooner or later.
Wiggum, huddled over a trash can at an aid station, was not available for comment.
