Local Runner Is Really Fast But Also Suffers Chronic Flatulence, So Sort of a Mixed Bag For Him
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A local runner with impressive personal records from the 5K to the marathon also has chronic flatulence, Dumb Runner has learned—a pro/con combination that he has learned to live with.
The 28-year-old, who asked to be identified only as “Mitch,” has a personal best time of 14:52 for 5K, 1:09 for the half-marathon, and 2:28 for the full marathon. He has also lived with abnormally high levels of intestinal gas for most of his adult life, resulting in persistent and sometimes painful flatulence.
“It’s super unpleasant for everyone involved, and embarrassing, obviously” Mitch told Dumb Runner via video call, letting one rip midsentence. “And I just cannot get rid of it.”
“I’ve seen probably a dozen doctors and specialists about it, but nothing seems to help.”
As a result, Mitch said, he has made peace with his condition, chalking it up to the vagaries of life. He has also grown accustomed to hearing admiration and praise from fellow runners who are unaware of his medical condition.
“Sometimes someone will hear my PRs and stuff and say, Wow, I wish I was that fast,” he said. “And I’m, like, Dude, you only know half the story—trust me, you do not want to be me.”
“I mean, yeah, I’m a really fast runner, but I fart constantly,” he added, farting loudly. “How’s that for a tradeoff?”
Dumb Runner had more questions, but Mitch ended the interview abruptly.
“I need to change my underwear,” he said.
