Florida Governor Offers to Host Chicago Marathon
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In a startling move, Florida Governor Rick DeSantis today said his state would be “pumped” to host the 2020 Chicago Marathon. The statement came just hours after Chicago Marathon organizers announced that this fall’s race, scheduled for October 11, was canceled due to the coronavirus pandemic.
“Come on down!” DeSantis said in an interview with Fox News, addressing disappointed Chicago registrants. “The more the merrier!”
He then collapsed into a minute-long coughing fit.
“Don’t let the ‘fake news’ scare you,” he added. “The media is distorting everything. We got the COVID under control.”
Florida set a new record yesterday for the largest daily increase in coronavirus cases in the United States.
“Anyway, the virus hates warm weather,” he said, repeating a claim for which there is little to no evidence.
More than 45,000 runners were expected to run Chicago this year, and DeSantis vowed to give them a world-class event, free of “snowflakes” and tyranny and face masks.
“Florida is open for business,” said DeSantis. “And that includes marathons.”
Nearly two minutes into a second coughing fit, DeSantis made a slashing motion across his throat and the program cut to a commercial.
Chicago Marathon officials did not respond to a request for comment, because we never made such a request, because this is a satirical article.
Hard to tell these days, isn’t it?
