Course Marshal Watching Turnaround Point Traffic Cone Like a Fucking Hawk
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A volunteer at a local half-marathon is keeping a very close eye on an orange traffic cone on the course, Dumb Runner has learned.
The cone marks the turnaround point for runners of the Kaffee Dash Half-Marathon, an out-and-back race, and the volunteer, identified as Nathan Jessup, 59, is “watching it like a fucking hawk,” according to JoAnne Galloway, a spectator.
“Dude is like one of those Queen’s Guards at Buckingham Palace,” said Galloway. “Except instead of staring stoically into the middle distance, he has his sights locked on that orange cone. I thought about walking up and trying to make him laugh or smile or something. But I didn’t. Honestly, he kind of scares me.”
Sam Weinberg, who was watching alongside Galloway, offered another comparison.
“Sometimes when I’m out walking my dog, he’ll suddenly spot a squirrel,” said Weinberg, “and everything stops. He’ll freeze like a statue, laser-focused on that squirrel, and nothing can move him.”
“This guy is like that.”
Galloway and Weinberg both noted that Jessup is holding a bullhorn and that, while he hasn’t used it, he is clearly dying to do so.
Reached by phone, Jessup boasted that he has a perfect record as a course marshal. Over 15 years of volunteering at local races, he said, “not one runner has turned around shy of the orange cone.”
“No sir,” he said. “Not on my watch.”
Jessup added that he has to pee but has held it in for nearly four hours in order to complete his duties.
“We live in a world that has orange cones,” he said, “and those cones have to be guarded by men with bullhorns.”
“You want me on that race course,” Jessup concluded. “You need me on that race course.”
